Hard to swallow
Don’t ad agencies have anything better to do than promote more male swaggering?
By Ellen Snortland 10/04/2007
Network television lost me years ago. While I'm certainly not against ALL forms of advertising, television commercials were a big factor in my defection from mainstream commercial-driven TV. Boy, did I get a stiff validation for my network boycott two weeks ago when I sat at my friend's house and watched a Pfizer ad for Viagra. You know, the little blue pill designed to put the lead back in our erectilely dysfunctional friends' pencils? The whoopee pill that former Sen. Bob Dole endorsed several years back? I thought having a presidential candidate and senior member of the US Senate, a “hard-line” public servant, extolling the virtue of satisfying his wife was extreme until I saw the Elvis rip-off, “Viva Viagra” spot.
Oh, man. Actually, I should say, “Oh, MEN! Has it come to this?” Geez. Stick to grilling sausages and not singing about them. If you haven't seen this commercial, I recommend you watch it with a barf bag handy. It's a garage band of really cheerful fellows, nary a woman in sight, singing their little hearts out about their members, and I don't mean their congressional members either. OK, they aren't literally singing about their members, but you get it when they sing:
2, 3, 4 …
Got me a honey
Gonna set my soul,
Gonna set my soul on fire.
At the end of the day,
I'm not a guy to stray
'Cause she's my heart's desire
This ol' lonesome toad
Is sick of the road
Can't wait,
Can't wait to go home…
Viva Viagra
Viva Viagra
Flaccid lyric writing at best. Then the racially diverse cast slaps high-fives and practically does a “ring-around-the-rosey, pockets full of posies, all fall down!” And “all fall down” is what they're singing about, after all. I'm actually a bit surprised that they don't start making out, they are so happy to be with each other. They are so HAPPY to be hard again they can barely contain themselves! I wonder who the genius is who came up with this campaign in the first place? Did a marketing and sales committee at Pfizer greenlight it and say, “Wow. This oughta get it up!” And if there are really people who like this ad, what else might we expect from Big Pharma ad campaigns in the near future for yet-to-be-marketed products that most of us don't want to talk about, let alone sing about?
ItchyBitsizine: A new little yellow pill for those times when you just need to scrape your crotch against a big pine tree but there's no forest around. The scene: Cowboys scratching each other's backs around a campfire, singing to the tune of “Home on the Range”:
Oh, give me a pill
For a place I can't scratch
Where my saddle and mount were at play
Where often is felt
A dismounting welt
And my filly is too far away.
Talk to your doctor about possible side effects: picking teeth with cactus, running around with no underpants and spitting.
Pullmifingasol: A new little pill for those bloated times when no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to, well, squeeze the bellows. The scene: Numerous straight-laced elderly couples milling around, chatting it up in the basement of a church. Lots of hot dishes on the table and gelatin salads galore. They start singing to the tune of “Oklahoma!”
Pullmifingasol! The wind comes breaking 'cross the plains!
When the tummy says “No,” the pill says, “Blow!”
Watch the dose or you'll blow out your own brains!
For the sounds that we make are so grand!
Though the odor we hardly can stand!
But hear us say! Yow! I heard you, but what'd you say? Hey!
For goodness sakes, somebody open a window
Pullmifingasol, P.U.! Pullmifingasol, OK!
Talk to your physician about possible side effects: getting kicked off of airplanes and buses, public shunning and no more invitations to family functions and holidays.
Minoonie: A new little pink tablet for women who are not as “moist” as they once were. The scene: Women all in the same fishing boat (get it?), and as they cast their lines, they sing to the tune of “Summertime”:
Summertime, and my panties are so dry
Some are jumpin'
But I try not to cry.
Well, my “friend” can get wet
'Cause my man is good lookin'
So I'll take my Minoonie,
And I'll jump on my guy!
Talk to your ob-gyn specialist about possible side effects: increased laundry, sudden urges to ride horses and slipping off bicycles.
It's been reported that Lisa Marie Presley is upset about “Viva Viagra.” I don't find that at all hard to swallow. The Gershwin estate is not going to like “Minoonie” either. Meanwhile, I will continue to stay away from watching commercials unless they come up with an anti-nausea med I can stomach: Barfnomoreasol.
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