And you say he's just a friend
An ‘emotional affair’ can be just as damaging to a marriage as one in which sex is involved
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 07/01/2010
Dear Patti,
I’ve been married for 17 years and have never, ever cheated on my husband. So I was stunned this morning when he accused me of having an “emotional affair.”
He said he’s been trying to ignore it but can’t anymore. I really resent him for saying such a thing, but I’m trying to be fair and take a serious look at the situation.
For the last two years, I’ve been having a platonic friendship with Derek, who I admit has become very important to me. Even though I may not see him for weeks at a time, I have to honestly say that this relationship seems more fulfilling and intimate than the one I have with my husband.
While there’s flirting and mildly romantic gestures, there has never been anything sexual or physical. If it hasn’t happened by now, I can’t imagine it ever would. What’s so special between us is a deep emotional connectedness. Many women say the same thing about their best women friends.
Do you think my relationship could be a true danger to my marriage? — Courtney
Dear Courtney,
Out of respect for your husband and marriage, you say you’ve never crossed the line of being sexually intimate with someone else, even if you had a desire to do so.
I can, therefore, understand why you don’t want to be treated like you’ve cheated when you haven’t. You also say you want to take a serious look at your situation.
An emotional affair is often defined as an intimate relationship with someone other than a spouse, and it can create or contribute to emotional distance in a marriage as well as interfere with its growth. Sometimes the lack of sexual behavior can be a justification or rationalization for allowing the emotional bonding to occur and mature.
When this happens, it can be just as damaging to a marriage as a sexual affair. Although troubled marriages are especially vulnerable to these relationships, a surprising number of couples in happy partnerships also become involved in emotional affairs.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having dear friends of the opposite sex. The difference between a dear friend and an emotional affair, however, can be confusing and subtle. Some of the red flags that might tell you whether a shift in allegiance has unwittingly formed a passionate connection are if you daydream or fantasize about Derek, exchange gifts, spend an inappropriate amount of time together or have special secrets that exclude your husband.
When something happens during the day — positive or negative — is it Derek or your husband whom you tell first? How ambivalent are you about staying committed to your marriage? A recent study showed more than 80 percent of unfaithful partners reported having had an affair with someone who was initially “just a friend.”
The relationship with Derek may be very important, but be cautious in comparing an idealized distant relationship with one that is long-term and reality-based. Individual counseling may be a good idea to help you.
Take inventory of your marriage and the positive and negative experiences you’ve shared with your husband. Do you still love him, even though you’re not currently feeling close? Do you respect him, even though you may be disappointed in the marriage? Are you compatible? If you decide to save this relationship, I recommend couple’s therapy, where you’ll learn to become more caring toward each other, recommit and relearn how to have a sense of companionship and fun together. A goal in couple’s therapy will be to resolve the intimacy problems in the marriage so you will no longer need an affair. If you’re both willing to work hard on it, psychotherapy can focus on rebuilding the trust between you and transforming your marriage into a strong and mutually happy one.
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term Psychotherapy, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at
(626) 584-8582 or email pcarmalt@aol.com.
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