Anti-Santa ranta
My annual poison pen letter to the man who ruined Christmas
By Ellen Snortland 12/24/2009
Readers of “Consider This” over the years are familiar with my contempt for Santa and all things Claus. Year after year, I have written column after column about deposing or impeaching him. His behavior and actions would land anyone else in federal prison serving consecutive life sentences: elf trafficking and kidnapping, blatant undocumented border crossing, running a sweatshop, reindeer cruelty, judging “naughty and nice” with the flimsiest shreds of evidence, bouncing little girls and boys on his “lap.” Puh-leez. Pervert.
And his personal habits? Since when does an obese, hairy white man with no fashion sense dictate what we do for weeks? People! Please see through this charade! Santa is a tyrannical ill-mannered glutton with a long list of human rights violations. And bellowing “Ho! Ho! Ho!” in a distasteful display of noise pollution? Well, I shout back, “Pimp! Pimp! Pimp!” for trying to make gift sluts of us all.
We should not encourage Santa worship or idolatry! Please help me destroy — or at least boycott — his influence, and assist me in finally driving the Santa scourge from our cultural landscape.
OK, I’m finally admitting that talk is cheap. I’ve been mulling over what I can actually do to eradicate the Santa pest. Of course, there’s the house by house approach, where I sign up homeowners to keep their fires burning all night to keep St. Nick from breaking and entering through the chimney. That ought to put some sizzle in his lard ass. Snap, crackle, pop … sputter, sputter.
By the way, to further prove my assertions that Santa’s a sicko, visit sketchysantas.com. Gotcha in the act … er, acts, Kreepy Kris Kringle!
But keeping him out of our homes is only treating the Santa symptom, not the disease. What might we do to really wipe him out? Happily, I’ve indoctrinated my hubby Ken into my anti-Santa fervor and we’ve come up with some ideas:
Tell Sarah Palin that Santa is a moose — Since I presume Sarah Palin can see Russia and the North Pole from her house, she’d have the most likely “shot” at forever ridding the skies of St. Nick. We convince her that Santa is actually Bullwinkle, and a communist to boot! Blam! Blam! Blam! From a helicopter too! Then she could land and field-dress Santa.
Sell “South Park” a Santa-bashing script and let teenage boys do the rest — A Facebook group called “Kick a Ginger Day,” based on a 2005 “South Park” episode that made redheads targets of bigotry, unleashing attacks on unwitting red-haired students. So inspired, I’ve started a Facebook group called “Santa Stinks.” Members will be asked, among other things, to sit on Santa’s lap and rip a good one, then turn around and blame it on him. If I can write a “South Park” script, so much the better. I get paid to give Santa the boot … and the poot.
Start rumors that Santa is gay, bi-racial and born in Kenya — This is possibly my most diabolical plan so far. It would be pretty easy to sic rabid right-wing attack dogs on Santa, including so-called “teabaggers,” Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly (whom I call O’Really?) and Rush Limbaugh. Can’t you see the protest signs that the teabaggers will carry at local malls and Christmas parties? “Santa spelled funny is SATAN!” “Don’t give Santa Medi-care or Health Reform!” “Show me Santa’s birth certificate!”
And where is Lou Dobbs on this Santa thing? Can you think of ANYONE that has fewer papers than Santa, or who uses more undocumented workers than he does? You can’t, can you? Santa should be deported back to Turkey, where he came from originally.
Before I forget, have you ever seen Rush Limbaugh and Santa Claus in the same room? Perhaps obliterating Santa would also KO Limbaugh. Oh, this plot gets better and better!
OK, OK, so you catch my snowdrift here, right? If you want to get Christmas back, join me. I know I’m a bit rabid in my despising of Santa. It’s not unlike the obsession that some people have in their hatred of clowns. The term for clown paranoia is “coulrophobia.” If you’re “claus-rophobic,” join me on Facebook at Santa Stinks.
Oh… and Merry Christmas.
On a serious note, I can’t think of a better way to express the joy of the holidays than to make a contribution to the Levitt Pavilion in Memorial Park. Jan Harrington, Friends of the Levitt Pavilion board member and my friend, writes:
“The Levitt is truly a magical place, and your support will keep the magic alive for another season. Make your gift before Dec. 31 and receive a subscription to our Artistic Director Eddie Cota’s monthly music podcast. Trust me. Given his sophisticated taste in music, this is not an offer you want to pass up! You won’t just be filling your ears with new music; you’ll be filling Memorial Park with the sounds of award-winning artists and the warmth of more than 50,000 grateful audience members for another fabulous concert season. To donate online, visit levittpavilionpasadena.org. Thank you for joining me in believing in the power of music, and have a wonderful holiday season.”
Hear, hear!
Contact Ellen at snortland.com.
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