Beautiful you

Dear Patti,

When I was younger, I was very plain-looking. One could even say unattractive. I wore braces, had acne and was gangly, awkward, bone-thin and always kept to myself.  I was flat-chested, taller than all the boys and never had a date in high school. When I wasn’t being ridiculed, I was ignored. I buried myself in my studies.

Now, I’m 23 with a great career. I’m six-feet tall, long-legged with long blond hair and a clear complexion. People tell me I’m gorgeous and should be a model. Guys always compliment me and flirt with me, and even though I smile and am nice back, I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t like the attention. I’m finally getting what I’ve always wanted and can’t enjoy it. I don’t let anyone get close. I keep thinking I’m tricking everybody and if they really knew the truth they’d be turned off. Every time I look in the mirror I cringe because I still see a skinny girl with stringy, scraggly hair. Deep down, I desire being with people — especially really smart ones — but it’s hard to believe they’d want to be around me.
— Megan

Dear Megan,

Remember the fairy tale “The Ugly Duckling” by Hans Christian Andersen? It’s about a duckling that was teased and chased because he was different looking. After being in hiding, he saw his reflection in the water and realized he was no longer a clumsy, oversized bird but, instead, a magnificent swan. You’ve become that swan, Megan, and yet still feel like an ugly duckling. How sad it is you’ve become your magnificent self and don’t realize it. You’re reacting to your past and are, therefore, unable to appreciate or enjoy the present. No matter how beautiful you are physically or how wonderful you might really be, you’re still locked up in that former image and are traumatized by painful childhood memories.

Not only are you stuck in the past regarding your image, but you continue to project onto people in your present life the cruelty of those who preceded them. Someone might see you and feel nothing but warmth and goodwill, yet you automatically defend yourself against potential negativity. Unfortunately, projection such as this can occur after abuse or neglect during childhood.

I recommend getting supportive professional counseling. Experience the hurt and angry feelings you’ve pushed aside. The hurt has created a wall so that you’re unable to trust and be open and intimate. The anger you feel is directed inward instead of toward those you’re really angry at, and you’re treating yourself just the way kids treated you in school. As you work these feelings through, they’ll intrude on you less and less.

Visualize the person you love most in the world standing in front of you. No matter how beautiful, intelligent or special this person appears to you, he/she still ends up feeling insecure and alone. Would you coldly and insistently criticize and point out your loved one’s inferior traits (both real and historical)? Would you withhold encouragement and support? Of course not! Sadly, though, it has become routine for you talk to yourself that way and respond to an inner dialogue that’s extremely damaging to your self-esteem.

Here’s a homework assignment. Spend 10 minutes a day being loving to yourself just the way you would to a friend. I also want you to keep two diaries, one labeled “Past” and one labeled “Present.” In the book labeled Past, explore the agonizing memories of youth you’ve been unable to leave behind. Explore the loneliness and outrage at how you were mistreated. In the book labeled Present, you’re not allowed to project feelings from your past. Start over; it’s time for a rebirth.

Each day write at least five compliments or supportive statements toward yourself. Write down five small actions you’ll commit to doing that will connect you with others, even things as simple as “I’ll make eye contact and smile at three colleagues.”

These actions need to be a stretch beyond your current way of relating. Now that you’re an adult you can learn to treat yourself differently. Heal these memories and get on with the new, beautiful life you deserve.

Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term Psychotherapy, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at patticarmalt-vener.com or call (626) 584-8582.