'Clicking' with your therapist
Don’t rush into selecting the person who will be sharing your most intimate thoughts
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 12/18/2008
Dear Patti,
There are some important life issues I want to work on and I’d like to try psychotherapy. My doctor gave me two referrals and a friend told me about her own therapist she really likes. Since I’ve never done this before, how do I choose a good therapist?
—Jason
Dear Jason,
Sometimes people will spend countless hours shopping for just the right pair of shoes or seeking the perfect job or house but will often accept the very first therapist that comes along. A therapeutic relationship is a special one in which you’ll be working together closely to explore and resolve emotional issues. Because successful outcomes are predicated on trust and rapport, this decision should never be rushed.
I’d suggest interviewing three to five therapists in person or by phone. There are many psychotherapists (myself included) who encourage first-time patients to come for a free consultation. This 20- to 30-minute meeting isn’t a psychotherapy session. Rather, it’s a chance to ask general questions about therapy, discern the therapist’s treatment approach and get a sense of what it would be like to work together. The therapist then makes recommendations about what he/she believes would be best for you.
Questions to ask each counselor might include:
1. Are you a licensed therapist? Licensure means the provider has passed minimum competency standards for training and expertise. You can verify their licensure with the state and inquire about any complaints against them.
2. What are your areas of expertise? (e.g., family therapy, substance abuse, marriage counseling)
3. How many years have you been in practice?
4. What kinds of treatments do you use?
5. How effective are they in dealing with my types of problems?
6. How long do you expect my treatment to last?
7. What are your fees? Do you have a sliding scale and what is it based on?
After interviewing each therapist, gauge your comfort level and reaction to their personal qualities (i.e., age, gender, cultural background, credentials) and how they “fit” you. Does this person seem to understand your problems and have the ability to help you? Don’t be shy about doing research on Google or at www.psychologytoday.com if the counselor used therapy phrases you didn’t understand. Trust your instincts. If you find the right person to whom you can be honest with your feelings, it’s likely you’ll have a tremendously valuable experience and — over time — will really see your life change.
Dear Patti,
My husband and I started couples counseling together but he doesn’t like the therapist because he feels she was immediately on my side. I don’t feel that way at all — I thought she was great. How can I know if my husband is just unwilling to listen to a third party or if he just really doesn’t like the therapist?
—Veronica
Dear Veronica,
Just like with any relationship, your husband and your therapist may not “click.” In order for your sessions to be effective, both of you need to like, trust and respect your counselor and allow him or her to fulfill the role of being an unbiased conduit between the two of you and helping you to better understand one another. If he feels uncomfortable with your current therapist, it’s important he discusses this in therapy. If the issues can’t be resolved, then you need to seek another marriage counselor. Simply let the therapist know you’d like a referral to a colleague and that you won’t be returning. Most therapists will assist you in finding a better match.
It’s perfectly okay if your husband wants to try another therapist, but if he’s agreed to go with you, it’s also not reasonable at this point to give up on counseling completely. If the problem is with your husband and he’s transferring feelings onto the therapist — either this one or a new one — this pattern will eventually be revealed through the therapeutic process.
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