Daddy dumbest
Single parents need to be mindful of their children when pursuing romance
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 10/22/2009
Dear Patti,
I’m 14 and my parents divorced three years ago. I wish it could’ve been different, but I’ve learned to live with it. I know they both love me and they don’t live that far apart, so I’m able to spend equal time with them. I attend a small, highly academic private school, am at the top of my class and don’t want to change schools until I start college. I hope to get high honors in high school and dream of becoming class valedictorian.
I overheard my dad say he’s been privately dating the principal of my school for three months. From the way he was talking, I think he’s in love with her. If they’re serious and I become known as the daughter of the principal’s boyfriend,
I would hate it. It’ll look like my achievements are partially due to favoritism and that’s not true.
If they get married, I would not only have to see her every day at school, but I’d have to see her at home, too, and that would just be too weird. Don’t even get me started on what my friends would think! My mother remarried and, while I want my dad to be happy, I don’t know why he has to invade my life.
Please give me advice on how I can get him to break things off with her, at least until I go off to college.
— Kayla
Dear Kayla,
I understand your feelings and genuinely empathize with how your father’s decisions are affecting you. While you’ve learned to not only adjust to both the divorce and your mom’s remarriage but also excel academically, that doesn’t mean it’s always been easy. Because of the very complications you’re describing, I generally recommend that parents not date teachers, other parents or those personally involved in their children’s lives.
While I don’t know your father, it sounds like you probably have a good relationship. I encourage you to sit down with him, explain what you heard and find out just how serious this romance is. Even if it’s difficult, share your concerns and fears that others may view you as getting special treatment or unfair advantages. Sometimes a new experience can dredge up suppressed emotions; if feelings about their divorce come up, talk about those, too. If you feel you need more support, talk to your father with a counselor present.
Sometimes romantic love runs deep very quickly and — even though your father loves you — there may be a bond between the two of them he’s not willing to give up. But dating as a single parent is different from dating as a single person. His responsibility to keep you emotionally safe makes it incumbent on him to take it slow and test the various facets of this relationship before he introduces her into your private familial life.
If for right now you want nothing to do with this relationship, I recommend they keep their relationship completely private for another three months and not risk adding stress to your own life by involving you. If they’re still deeply committed after having dated a total of six months, they can then begin the process of gently incorporating you into the equation and assisting you in coping with the situation. At that time, you and your dad’s lady friend might start spending time alone together away from school and getting to know each other. From your letter, it doesn’t sound as if you dislike her, only that you’re uncomfortable with the dual roles she’d play in your life.
After a year, if the three of you have adjusted, you can then decide as a unit how to handle the complications of going public. The two of them need to respect the difficulties their relationship creates for you, just as much as you need to respect their allegiance to each other. There are no easy answers, but you certainly shouldn’t feel socially ostracized from your fellow students. Part of growing up, however, is learning how to protect oneself and to cope with the difficult actions of loved ones.
Patti Carmalt-Vener has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at (626) 584-8582 or visit patticarmalt-vener.com.
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