Don't hurt yourself
Walking while chewing gum and talking on the phone is more dangerous — and newsworthy — than you may think
By Kevin Uhrich 02/11/2010
Even though there are laws against driving and talking on cell phones, none other than Oprah Winfrey believes this issue is so important that she must throw her considerable wealth and political clout behind it in a public service announcement.
But wait, isn’t this the most influential unelected and un-appointed person in the world, one so powerful that she helped elect our president? Is illegal cell phone usage really that high up on the progressive agenda? Hmmm, where have I been?
But then, as if we weren’t feeling threatened enough, along comes Lu Parker, the athletic and supple model/girlfriend of Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa and LA newscaster, all decked out in understated but nonetheless extremely cute workout togs warning us in a series of reports that seemed more like PSAs about exploding rubber workout balls at area gyms.
I, for one, certainly felt much better able to avoid this potential hazard with my workout ball after watching Lu lying on her back, her long, fine frame draped over this bulging blue rubber orb while doing sit-ups. Good thing this was part of a series. I might not have ever known about this tragedy waiting to happen. What unforeseen catastrophes could possibly befall us next in this dangerous world of ours when even the gym isn’t safe?
It was right around this time that we learned of something really frightening: Toyota had launched a global recall sparked by faulty brakes installed in their vehicles. Could we please hear a little bit about that? Not so fast, or so it seemed editors at Parker’s Channel 5 decided. Instead of informing us about possibly other car manufacturers putting out potential death traps for an unsuspecting public to purchase, KTLA — the Southland’s No. 1 newscast — ran another series, this time three nights worth of reports on the Ford Motor Co.’s “dramatic turnaround.”
The series “The View From the Driver’s Seat,” hosted by Channel 5 anchor Micah Ohlman, had a disclaimer indicating Ford paid a “sponsorship fee” to KTLA “in connection” with the series. Channel 5 honchos, however, told the LA Times’ Jim Rainey that Ford did not pay the station for a “news” story. The disclaimer was about the “other” Ford production — an hour-long documentary, “The New American Road,” which aired the following Saturday, after the series.
All right, but what about Ford’s brakes? Are they OK? Are you kidding? There was barely enough time for Ohlman to tongue-wax the fine line of Ford vehicles that he gushed over, let alone talk about possible faulty brakes.
OK. People have to eat. Everybody understands that. But did KTLA bother to mention that Ford and Lincoln-Mercury are their top advertisers, both on TV and on the Web, and this was essentially an infomercial in the guise of a news program?
As a matter of fact, they did mention much of that, but only at the end of the hour-long newscasts. They waited for the LA Times, which is owned by the very same people who own KTLA, Chicago-based Tribune Co., to point out that not-insignificant fact.
If all this makes you feel as though we are currently living out scenes from the yet-to-be-written sequel to the hilarious but frighteningly prescient Mike Judge film “Idiocracy,” you’re not alone.
But I, for one, have taken heed — just in case. After learning all this “news,” I have resolved to never even entertain the thought of leaving gum in my mouth and a sharp pencil in my hand or pocket while walking with a cup of coffee.
Why, I could trip over my own feet, break an ankle, scald myself and poke an eye out — all at once. Just think of it: If I was doing all that stuff and talking on the phone at the same time, I could die. Who knows, if giant rubber blue balls engorged with too much air can blow up, so too can my cell phone explode when used improperly. Can’t it?
You have to wonder what “issue” — one the government isn’t doing enough about — Oprah will wrap her considerable celebrity power around next. Talking with our mouths full seems a logical candidate. It’s not funny. Think of that child who died after choking during an eating contest. Who knows? Maybe that’s what did in that poor kid. Sure seems as though that might be something Oprah could get her teeth into, no pun intended. I’m surprised more people don’t die this way.
But seriously, are these really the biggest problems we face right now? I’m not sure about walking and talking, but driving and talking and texting and driving are major concerns. Now you watch: I’ll trip on the rug and the pencil in my pocket will poke out an eye or rip open a lung before I can jump into my Ford Explorer. If that happens, someone be sure to call Lu Parker so she can cover the story and say “I told you so” before I die.
For more on Oprah’s PSA, see Jen Hadley’s Wheels column
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Oh Kevin;
You're beginning to sound at least a bit like Tom Tomorrow's "Moonbat" character ... .
Anyway, this is now -- quite officially -- how America's corporacracy is defined, not so much by PhDs using the scientific method as with "non-attorney" spokespeople doing an informercial jitterbug.
But be careful with your heresy Moonba -- I mean Kevin, because, as an "alternative" function of America's official corporate newsfakers, if you focus too much beyond merely bodycounting how much our military's pre-emptively Whitehouse composed war-crimes spree really is costing the average rube in America, you will lose your nice cushy job as the Weekly's ostensible editor.
There is coming a time when the rest of the world will stop humoring America, and it simply will be because they just can't afford it anymore. I mean, you do realize don't you that the "underwear" bomber (who was allegedly using an explosive that can only be ignited by a blasting cap) was in fact escorted onto his targeted plane by a CIA operative?
Shock and Awe, battle-field tested by the Pentagon in Iraq and Afghanistan but (if you believe all the official fearmongers of Washington DC) now coming to a "New-World" community near you.
DanD