Eliot's alphabet

  Following is my former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer prostitution ring scandal alphabet soup:

"A" is for rhymes with casserole. Just as the late Leona Helmsley got headline treatment - rhymes with "rich," "Queen of Mean" - the likes of which I've never seen a man receive, what's good for the infamous Leona greedy goose is also good for the randy Eliot gander, "King of Sting," what an ass, err, I mean, casserole!

"B" is for busted. Could he fly a "bust me" flag any higher?

"C" is for champion. In the lemons-to- lemonade category, maybe if Spitzer does jail time, he'll turn his formidable crusader talents into some badly needed prison reform.

"D" is for daughters. Hey, kids, Daddy has something he needs to tell you.

"E" is for Emperor Club. I guess there are about 50 "emperors" having monarch-size heart attacks every time the phone rings these days.

"F" is for foreseeability. Gee, when I was in law school, foreseeability was a pillar of tort and criminal analysis. Spitzer must have slept through that class at Harvard Law.

"G" is for gleeful. So many enemies, such cheap schadenfreude.

"H" is for hubris and hypocrite.

"I" is for irony, indignation, indicator. As Alanis Morissette would sing, "Isn't it ironic ..." that Spitzer would so righteously pursue the sex trade? Is righteous and loud Indignation an accurate indicator of something someone is hiding?

"J" is for jail. Spitzer just might experience more unsafe sex than he ever wanted. "Hey, Emperor, you like it without a condom? I'm here to fulfill you! I bought you for 1,000 cigarettes. Bend over."

"K" is for kicking himself. What Spitzer is doing from Albany to Manhattan and back.

"L" is for lessons. Whoo boy, men living in glass houses should not throw subpoenas.

"L" is also for loss. We desperately needed you, Eliot, to clean up all sorts of things; this is truly a loss to the muckracking pantheon of heroes.

"M" is for memo. 

To: All Wives of Public Figures            

From: The Sisterhood.      

Re: Public Forum Sati.     

Attention: You are no longer required to commit the equivalent of speech "sati," the Indian practice of requiring the widow of a prominent man to throw herself on his funeral pyre. We will back you if you decline the invitation to stand like a deer in headlights next to him as he flames out.

"N" is for no glove, no love, Guv.

 "O" is for out. Now that he's out, it'll be fascinating to see what he does. Wouldn't it be a miracle if he wrote a truly open account of his double life, his true gender politics, possibly the need to decriminalize sex work? After all, sex work has been one of the ways that women can get out of poverty.

"P" is for penis. Note to political handlers: From now on, require a "penis problem" set of questions before backing a candidate. 1) Do you have penis issues? 2) If you had penis issues, what might they be? 3) Is there anything (penis habits) you're hiding that if discovered would disgrace you forever?

 "Q"  is for quiet. This too shall quiet down until the next revelation of hidden sexual shenanigans by a righteous public figure. On the other hand, when WILL this country grow up?

"R" is for red-handed. Brush off that "nolo contendre" plea, buddy.

"S" is for steamroller. It's not so fun to be the steamrollee, is it?

"T" is for twelve steps. The only thing that can explain such a lack of honor is addiction. Mr. Spitzer, can you say, "I admitted I was powerless?" 

    "U" is for unsafe, as in sex. Of all the allegations so far, Eliot's desire to purchase unsafe sex infuriates me

the most. Ordinarily, I'm remarkably non-litigious for a lawyer. Now I'm thinking we should create a new crime or tort: reckless or intentional criminally negligent disregard for the health of one's spouse or a sex worker. HOW DARE HE!

     "V" is for vagina. Note to political handlers: Makes more elected officials with vaginas seem common sense, doesn't it? We just don't seem to have much trouble keeping our vaginas in our pants, possibly since they are already IN our pants. Plus too many of us are too darn practical or cheap to shell out over a thousand dollars an hour for anything.

"W" is for White House. Not.

"X" is for XX. Dos Equis. No problema con sexo en el oficina, usted comprende?

"Y" is for the Y chromosome. Hmm. Why indeed?