From good to great
Plans for better lovemaking are best laid outside the bedroom
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 09/02/2010
Dear Patti,
I’ve been dating this woman for quite a while now and am starting to deeply care for her. While it’s clear that there’s a strong sexual connection between us, we aren’t sexual partners yet. We’ve decided to take it slow and really get to know each other first. We have committed to only seeing each other and — if I’m reading things right — we’ll probably become intimate in the near future. I think I’m a good lover, but I want to be a really great lover with her. Is there anything in particular that makes a man stand out in a woman’s mind as really impressive in bed?
— Dean
Dear Dean,
Allow the intimacy between you to take your relationship to new places, both physically and emotionally. The best sex is where there is an extraordinary rush of love, energy and sexual tension in which you’re both completely in the moment together and deriving pleasure from each other’s bodies. It can be as much a sacred and spiritual journey for two people as an earthshaking, lustful and companionable experience.
Becoming a wonderful lover, however, starts before you even get in the bedroom. Let her know you desire her by being a thoughtful, caring and imaginative romantic. Does she like flowers, candlelight dinners and poetry? Would she enjoy sensual music, a warm bath or a massage with scented oils? If your girlfriend is like most women, she’ll find it exciting to see you express how passionate you are about her so that, no matter how bad the day is, she feels like a beautiful, sexy woman when she’s with you. If you build up the desire, romance and intimacy connection beforehand, it will be easier to reach sexual ecstasy in the lovemaking that follows.
The most important thing to ensure you’re a great lover in her mind is to try to make her feel safe, loved and happy every time you see her. Make each time with her feel special and unforgettable by eliminating distractions when you’re together; don’t answer your cell phone unless you really have to. Be a sensitive listener.
I’m a little concerned that you’re focusing too much on your performing for her. Women are more attracted to men that are pleasure-oriented rather than performance-oriented. No woman wants a narcissist in bed! No matter how technically good a man is in the bedroom, it‘s a turn-off if it seems like he’s only trying to prove his prowess. Women do, however, love men that are sure of themselves and comfortable with their own bodies. Women also love it when a man has done his homework and knows about women’s bodies, understands how they work and are skillful in the many ways to bring them pleasure ending in orgasm.
Take the time to learn what personally pleases her sexually and teach her what you like. It’s also important to be flexible and try different techniques than what you’re used to, if that’s what she needs or wants. Be a sensuous toucher, a good kisser and use all your senses. Learn to understand her emotions and read her body language in bed. Be affectionate, playful and spontaneous as well. Women love to laugh in bed, so don’t be shy about having fun. Don’t worry if it’s not perfect at first; it takes time and practice to recognize each other’s vulnerabilities. Last but not least, it’s essential that you be protective of her as well as yourself by taking the necessary steps to keep her safe from any health threats or unplanned pregnancies.
When you learn to know each other well, sex at its best will be a unique and harmonious bond between you.
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term Psychotherapy, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena,
Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at (626) 584-8582 or
email pcarmalt@aol.com.
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