Healthy anger, steadfast love

Dear Patti,

My son Benjamin, a soldier and a student attending Pasadena City College, was in the middle of a semester when he was deployed to Iraq.  When he came home, he found out he’d failed all his classes for that term.  Ben was told that he had been in his classes too long to be able to drop them but that he hadn’t been in long enough to get incompletes. I know it isn’t healthy, but I was furious when I found out. My husband and my son say I’m overreacting, that it’s only one semester, but I disagree. My son’s been told that this has happened to others as well and that there’s nothing he can do about it. Part of the appeal of joining the armed services for Benjamin was the possibility of getting a better education. How am I supposed to not be angry when these things happen?
— Jean

Dear Jean,

First of all, let me say that I’m very glad your son is home safe. Secondly, there’s nothing wrong with experiencing and expressing anger when you feel someone you love has been treated unfairly. In fact, it’s this type of anger that often motivates positive changes in society. Anger is a natural, healthy emotion that comes from resentment at being hurt.  Anger only becomes unhealthy when it’s repressed — built up after a number of painful experiences (or one or two large traumatic events) — and then is expressed inappropriately. The anger can be held in, turned against the self or expressed in an unhealthy manner that’s out of proportion to the triggering event. 

I’d question why your family has a split point of view regarding this incident. Have your son and husband learned the bad habit of minimizing their hurts and ignoring them? Are they responding to a habit of yours of overreacting to things that anger you? How each of you handles feelings in different ways — especially anger — is a subject I’d suggest you discuss as a family.

There have been times at PCC where students have been deployed quickly and without the chance to properly withdraw from their classes. Your son can contact Student Learning Services, fill out a petition  — along with a letter from his commanding officer — and get these courses dropped.     

Dear Patti,
I have two sons and a daughter. My oldest son, Ian, is in the US Army, serving in Iraq. I am so angry at my neighbor. I was talking to her about my concerns for Ian and she had the nerve to say that no matter what happens, I will always have another son. At first I just ignored the comment, but by the time I got home I was boiling. There is no spare for Ian, no matter how many other sons I have! She has briefly met Ian but has no idea how special he is to our whole family. What am I supposed to say to this stupid woman when she makes comments like that?
— Debbie

Dear Debbie,
Your neighbor doesn’t understand the properties of love; specifically, the stronger the attachment, the more irreplaceable the love. The bond that exists between mother and child is steadfast, even before birth. Of course, as every mother knows, you are 100 percent correct that Ian can never, ever be replaced. Furthermore, a mother’s heart can never be completely at peace if there’s even the slightest feeling that her child is in jeopardy, no matter what his age.
I’m concerned and sad for your neighbor, because in order for her to objectify and intellectualize your situation she has probably walled off — from her own life — the kind of intense emotion you feel for your son, the kind of love that makes life worth living.
Express to her exactly what you wrote to me, “While I understand you were trying to be consoling, there is and never will be a replacement for my son.” Stay in contact with other mothers of soldiers, who will understand your fears concerning Ian as well as your frustration over such comments. I thank your son for his service to our country.

 
Patti Carmalt-Vener has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at patticarmalt-vener.com or call (626) 584-8582.