Helping hands
Empathy, acceptance, respect and love are what depressed loved ones need
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 09/11/2008
Dear Patti,
Six months ago my girlfriend Joel and I moved in together. Joel is beautiful, sexy, intelligent and truly a good, sweet person. I’m very much in love with her and hope to marry her one day. However, Patti, no matter how hard we both try to keep it from happening, Joel keeps falling into a dark, sad mood. She becomes miserable and very fatigued.
Joel recently had a medical exam and is physically healthy but is suffering from depression, more specifically, dysthymia.
Her doctor prescribed psychotherapy and an anti-depressant medication.
What exactly is dysthymia? I feel helpless. How can I best support Joel? Whatever I need to do to help, be it financially or emotionally, I’m down with it. She’d do the same for me.
— Trent
Dear Trent,
It’s heartwarming to witness your wholehearted commitment to Joel. Supportive loved ones are an essential key to recovery.
The disorder the two of you are dealing with is a chronic form of depression. Dysthymia is less extreme and less intense than major depressive disorder; its symptoms, however, are similar. While major depression often occurs in episodes, dysthymia is less debilitating but can last for long periods and, like major depression, can cause individuals to have a downcast mood and loss of energy. Joel may also lose interest in things she used to find pleasurable, have difficulty concentrating, be indecisive, negative, and have a poor opinion of herself. Her appetite and weight may have increased or decreased, too, and she may sleep too much or have trouble sleeping.
People suffering from depression often have an inner voice that is harsh and demands that they be perfectionists. To counteract these negative thoughts, they need empathy, acceptance, respect and love from their loved ones. Help Joel to replace this punitive voice with a loving one by gently reminding her to be warm and kind to herself.
Listen in a non-judgmental way but let her take the lead. If she shares her thoughts and feelings, give your full attention. When she’s in pain and despair, you don’t have to do anything special; just be there for her, truly present. You should also avoid expressing too much distress, having a dismissive attitude, making the problem about you instead of her, and confusing “controlling” behavior with “concerned” behavior.
Offering to help with housecleaning — or hiring a housekeeper — can be wonderful support. Having a dirty or messy home, though, is apt to make Joel feel more worthless and discouraged. With a clean living space, she’ll have less to worry about. Encourage her to delegate tasks to loved ones and to set reasonable standards for herself.
Without becoming overly parental, support her in maintaining good eating and sleeping habits as these are important components in managing mood stability. Fatigue and hopelessness make it easy to procrastinate, but putting things off will eventually cause anxiety and guilt which increases depression. Encourage and coach Joel to follow through on important actions.
If needed, paying for part of her psychotherapy expenses may help relieve any financial burden. Psychodynamic, insight-oriented or interpersonal psychotherapy can enable her to sort out the feelings that are behind her symptoms and to explore those feelings, no matter how painful.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is also helpful in the treatment of depression as it examines and corrects many of the self-critical thought patterns and views that persons with mood disorders typically experience. It’s important that Joel be encouraged to communicate freely with her therapist. She might also want to join a support group and learn stress reduction techniques.
Since this is a difficult time for you, too, you might consider professional counseling for yourself. Often through the challenging experience of protecting and nourishing your partner, an even deeper love can develop.
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