It takes three

Dear Patti,

Jasmine and I have been living together for over three years. She’s great, but there are times when she does things that really piss me off and this is one of those times. Her car was trashed and Jasmine had saved money for another car.

Without telling me, she bought a motorcycle instead, one that’s way too much bike for her. The salesman saw her coming. I’m so mad I can hardly look at her. I don’t think she should have bought a motorcycle at all but if I had known, I could have helped her get the right bike for her size and ability.

She thinks I am being controlling but she doesn’t get it, I am really just worried for her safety. I think she does self-destructive and impulsive things; I sometimes wonder if she has a personality disorder or something. She wants me to consult her before I make big decisions, but she thinks it is OK for her to do whatever she pleases. I would not have bought a motorcycle instead of a car without talking to her first.
—James

First, let’s look at Jasmine. Many people can be high-spirited, creative and like to occasionally flirt with life on the edge, but are still considered normal. One person might find Jasmine buying the motorcycle a flighty and irresponsible act while another might deem it inspiring, exciting and living life to its fullest.

You may not like her behavior but I’d caution against labeling it as pathological. Some of the rash, self-destructive conduct I’d be concerned about would include breaking the law, repeated failure to sustain financial/work obligations, suicidal or self-mutilating behavior, frequent displays of intense anger, and impulsive acting out in the areas of substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating or sex.

You’ve mentioned none of these. I’m not convinced this singular act constitutes the red flag of a personality disorder.

Now, James, let’s look at you. There are many individuals who may not want their mates to ride motorcycles; others are perfectly fine with it. Both beliefs are normal and acceptable, just different. It’s understandable to be concerned for your girlfriend’s safety and to be disappointed in a particular decision she makes and that by itself doesn’t necessarily mean you are controlling.

Thirdly, let’s look at the relationship. Couples are often individually different in style and expression of personality and different in what they value most in life. You might value security and safety while Jasmine attaches greater importance to excitement and stimulation. The problem lies in your inability to communicate clearly to each other and work out a plan that accepts each other’s differences.

It’s sad that when Jasmine first realized she wanted to own a bike she didn’t feel inclined to tell you. It could be that she has a problem expressing what she wants and backs down too easily when she believes her wishes might not be accepted. It’s important that she learn to communicate her requests. It could also be that you are not very approachable and too easily disappointed when Jasmine has different beliefs and you then react by labeling, making her wrong and harboring resentment. It’s also crucial to work on a relationship you believe has double standards.

Besides professional counseling, I would recommend the two of you sitting down for 20 minutes every day, creating a safe environment where your wishes and desires can be brought up, respected and paid attention to. A relationship is a work-in-progress and as long as you’re still together you can keep working with each other to make the partnership better.

Patti Carmalt-Vener has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at patticarmalt-vener.com or call (626) 584 8582.