Letting go
Insist on being with someone who loves only you
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 08/20/2008
Dear Patti,
I know I sound like a silly cliché. I’m a single, 35-year-old woman in love with a married man. I used to work for him and we’ve been having an affair for over two years. I’m deeply in love with him. He has no intention of leaving his wife and tells me all the things one would imagine a married lover would say.
He says he’s not having sex with his wife and that he stays with her because of the children and that I’m the only woman he’s ever loved. Last week he left for vacation in Italy with his wife and two teenagers. The day before he left he went to my house while I was at work and actually crawled through my dog door (I have a very large dog) and left wonderful, expensive presents all over my house. I was very touched.
I was neglected as a child and no one has ever loved me like this before. I feel guilty because I know that this man, my lover, belongs with his family and not me, but it’s very painful to be left behind. I feel sad and angry that I don’t have a family of my own.
I tried to end the relationship at the beginning of the summer but I missed him terribly and started seeing him again. I need advice on how to let go.
—Emily
Dear Emily,
You’re not silly. The reason you feel like a cliché is because the predicament you’re in is a common one that many have faced. On the one hand, you’re experiencing love like you have never had before; on the other hand, a situation of neglect has been recreated that possibly emulates your childhood feelings of being unloved, ignored and abandoned.
You’re experiencing guilt for interfering with a family and yet, at the same time, experiencing more family-like feelings than you ever had before. It’s important to come to terms with your guilt and your actions or else risk that your self-esteem and self-respect will be damaged.
The decision you have made to leave is an excruciatingly painful one. It’s hard to let go of someone you love no matter what the situation, especially when that kind of love has been rare in your life. As explained in attachment theory, when someone has bonded with another in a deep way it feels familial and irreplaceable, even if that person is unavailable and has flaws. For example, no mother goes to the hospital nursery after giving birth and, upon seeing her bald, crying baby, points to another cute sleeping baby with hair and says she wants to take that one home instead. Likewise, dating someone else when you’re still “attached” to your current lover will invite comparisons that put the newcomer at a disadvantage.
It will take time to detach. The best way is to cut off all communication with no reinforcement whatsoever. Imagine that you’re in a science lab with two little wooden mazes before you. Each maze has a mouse in it trained to complete the course. The first mouse gets a sugar reward each time he finishes the maze. The second mouse gets sugar only some of the time. Which mouse is better trained? It may surprise you but often the intermittent reinforcement Mouse No. 2 receives is more powerful in influencing its behavior.
Getting love sporadically can also be very powerful and, thus, make it difficult to permanently exit. This is especially true for people with histories of trauma or interruptions in parental attachments. Just about the time you’re over the relationship, he might call and try to start things up again, hence the intermittent reinforcement resumes.
You’ll need to grieve over this relationship as well as other relationships that have disappointed you. It would be beneficial to seek professional counseling. It’s up to you, Emily, to insist on being with someone who loves you and only you.
Patti Carmalt-Vener has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at patticarmalt-vener.com or call (626) 584-8582.
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