Mirror, Mirror ...
Be wary of attempts at being more beautiful evolving into an unhealthy obsession over elusive ideals
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 01/28/2010
Is it healthy for women to care about whether or not they’re beautiful? There’s evidence
that appearance is important.
Since the 1970s, the cost of makeup, hair supplies, clothes, diet pills and cosmetic surgery have turned glamour into an industry worth billions of dollars. What accounts for this quest to become drop-dead gorgeous?
Psychology studies have long supported the premise that attractive people have a definitive edge over their peers when it comes to mate selection, job opportunities and social acceptance. From as early as the cradle, good-looking babies are held and kissed more often than babies viewed as unattractive. In school, teachers deem pretty girls and handsome boys as more intelligent than their plain counterparts. The “halo effect” — the belief that anything beautiful must be good — continues into adulthood and fuels the perception that those blessed with star-quality looks are also sexier, happier, friendlier, more interesting and more successful.
Even the judicial system has been guilty on occasion of dispensing less punishment for social misbehavior on those who are nice-looking.
Another reason women shop and preen is it’s a creative and fun outlet, as well a way for women to bond. It suppresses cattiness and competition when they help each other. Women often end up feeling close to their hair stylist or manicurist, who week after week consistently enhances their beauty.
Obsessively pursuing an elusive ideal in the mirror, however, may come at a dark price. While some standards of body image have remained relatively unchanged over time — youth, health, smooth skin and symmetry of features — the definition of beauty is not only influenced by fluctuating cultural and social mores, but is also predicated on an individual’s perceived “uniqueness” when compared to others. If everyone starts to look the same, a new standard then emerges which often brings with it unreasonable expectations that not every woman can — or should — achieve.
Constantly striving for that “ideal du jour” can lead to damaging physical and psychological outcomes such as anorexia, bulimia and body image disorders like body dysmorphia disorder, a condition that causes someone to severely obsess about how unattractive she is. This, in turn, manifests in depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Sadly, when people start viewing themselves as hopelessly defective they often think that everyone else sees them that way, too, and allow this escalating negativity to impact their quality of life and their interpersonal relationships.
These harmful self-evaluations can result in self-destructive conduct such as practicing avoidant behaviors, spending endless time — and copious amounts of money — trying to correct appearance, or only going places where one can control their looks. A woman who hates her body, for instance, might refuse to be seen in public wearing a bathing suit. Such extremes call for an exploration of historical psychological trauma and the critical inner voice in terms of self-perception and the need to learn how to replace negative thoughts with more positive ones.
Striving to reinvent oneself into a more pleasing picture should be because it feels good, not because one is desperately trying to fix a perceived ugliness that in all likelihood is more of a psychological nature than anything physical.
While physical health and attractiveness are significant, there are other aspects of appearance that contribute to how you are viewed by others. “Beauty is not in the face,” wrote poet Kahlil Gibran. “Beauty is a light in the heart.” Personality, intelligence, grace, kindness, sensitivity, compassion and creativity comprise a pleasing package called inner beauty that radiates from the inside outward and charms all in its wake.
Have you ever watched a person light up the room with their energy, aliveness and confidence? These are the charismatic traits of someone who knows how to balance when to talk and when to listen, how to smile and laugh easily, how to show a genuine appreciation and interest in those around them, and how to be completely comfortable in their own skin.
Establishing and maintaining good eye contact is another plus that raises one’s attractiveness quotient, because it reflects curiosity, approval, vulnerability and the emotional readiness to be intimate.
It also goes without saying that whenever you can make another person feel more attractive or help them to have a good time, you yourself are almost always considered more attractive as well.
Last but not least, if you show enjoyment in what you’re doing, coupled with your love for life, chances are you’ll be considered
the most beautiful individual in the room.
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term Psychotherapy, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact
her at (626) 584-8582 or send letters to patticarmalt-vener.com.
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