Now hear this
Acquiring and integrating listening skills will only help your relationship
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 08/19/2010
Dear Patti,
How do I get my husband to pay attention when I’m talking to him? We’ll be at the breakfast table or in the family room, and when I’m speaking, he might nod, but he’ll keep reading his newspaper, watching TV or keep working on some project. I’ve asked him to repeat what I said and he doesn’t have a clue. I tell him it hurts my feelings and that all I want is the same thoughtful consideration I give him when he’s talking. Mitch tells me he wants to be more attentive and that “tuning out” is just a bad habit acquired from when he used to travel a lot for work and spend time alone. He says that all I have to do is reach over, lightly tap him and remind him to focus and then he’ll listen. It may seem petty, but if I have to do this every time to pull him out of inattentiveness, then forget it. I want him to want to listen to what I have to say. Any suggestions? — Katrina
Dear Katrina,
Really listening is often the hardest part of communicating. The fact Mitch has told you his old habit is nothing personal and that he’d like help is positive. Here are some tips to pass along to him:
1. You don’t have to do anything special, just be fully present and available to hear your wife completely when she opens up.
2. Encourage her through empathic smiles and nods that communicate you’re involved and interested in what she has to say.
3. Be aware of how your nonverbal cues such as body language, eye contact and appearance allow her to assess your approachability. Are you stopping everything else you’re doing and just concentrating on her? Is your body relaxed or tensed? When listening, do you lean slightly forward or hold back? Is your eye contact direct or avoidant? Is your facial expression warm or cold or do you appear distracted, detached or indifferent?
4. Get rid of all communication shut-downs like the silent treatment, being aloof or unresponsive, or refusing to discuss an issue anymore. Once you learn how to acquire and integrate communication skills into your personality so they become your own, you can then see your relationships become closer and more gratifying. It takes a lot of concentration to respectfully listen, but this creates a bond of closeness and intimacy.
It’s important to realize, Katrina, that Mitch’s ability to change isn’t just about learning new communication skills; it’s also about receiving positive reinforcement when he interacts with you. I can understand why you feel it’s hurtful, insulting and frustrating to have to remind him to pay attention. Is it possible you have some residual feelings of resentment toward him for the amount of time you spent apart when he was traveling? If so, try to privately face and work through these feelings with a close friend or counselor you trust. Remember that your individual emotional health is crucial to the well-being of the partnership.
The next time he doesn’t pay attention when you’re trying to tell him something, try this: warmly approach and remind him just like he requested. After he listens with alertness, reward him with a positive response. This could be a smile, an intimate look expressing closeness and gratefulness, or a verbal exclamation of how nice it feels to be listened to. The objective is to pair listening with pleasure and allow him to experience listening as a way to become your hero rather than just a way to obey you so he doesn’t get into trouble. You’ll both benefit from being able to talk and listen to each other and encourage the fascination and curiosity between you.
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term Psychotherapy, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at (626) 584-8582 or email pcarmalt@aol.com.
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