Nowhere to turn
Unplanned teen pregnancy is one of the times that tests your ability to have unconditional self-love
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 11/05/2009
Dear Patti,
I’m a 17-year-old high school senior and just found out I’m pregnant. I’m really scared and don’t know what to do. I need advice, but there’s no way I can tell my parents. They’re ultra-conservative and very religious and although they’ve always been proud of my academic accomplishments, the shame of what I’ve done is something they’d never get over.
I realize I’ve been acting out sexually because I’m resentful of the restrictive way I’ve been raised. I don’t want to be rebellious anymore, but I also don’t want to just do everything because they say so. I want to do what I think is best for my life, but right now I honestly don’t know what that is.
The boy who got me pregnant has a girlfriend and doesn’t want to be involved. I know he’d help if he could, but when I talked to him I felt like a burden. This is my problem and my problem alone. I’m sorry Patti, but I can’t leave my name.
— One
Dear One,
I’m so very sorry you have to go through such a painful situation. I disagree, however, that you have to go through it alone. You’re a vulnerable young girl with your whole life ahead of you. How you handle this pregnancy is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make and you shouldn’t be without support. I can’t decide who you should turn to, but let’s explore the possibilities, starting with your parents.
I understand your fear of shaming them and creating a wedge that could last a long time. Conversely, perhaps their love for you will enable them to work through their issues and come out emotionally healthier than before. Even if you’re worried they’ll be angry, sad or broken-hearted, I’d say tell them anyway. It’s generally best when a family can work through problems together, and right now you need loved ones close by.
If you seriously believe this disclosure will result in compromising yourself in a significant way and/or fear they’ll be emotionally or physically abusive, I understand your concern. If that’s the case, make a list of all the adults in your life that you respect and trust. From this list, pick at least three with whom you’d feel comfortable sharing your problem and asking advice. If possible, choose individuals from diverse backgrounds such as a clergyman, a school counselor, and a friend’s mother. You may also want to talk to others who are — or have been — in the same dilemma. The more information you have, the better you’ll be able to make the right choices — as well as feeling less alone.
If you haven’t done so already, see your doctor as soon as possible. You have the right to confidential health care with your privacy secured. Your physician will not only be a good sounding board for your emotions but can also provide you with a wealth of information. In addition, I recommend finding a psychotherapist who can help you face your true feelings about your pregnancy, support you to be in the best mental condition possible and coach you on communicating with loved ones. Keep in mind, however, that it’s not the therapist’s role to influence your decisions but, rather, to guide you in seeking answers inside yourself and exploring all the complexities involved.
There’s no escaping that there’ll be difficult times ahead. It’s an emotional subject and many people have strong opinions. No matter how you ultimately handle it, someone is going to tell you it was handled incorrectly. While it’s easy to be nice to yourself when you’ve done something everyone is proud of, this is one of those times in your life that tests your ability to have unconditional self-love. Please take good care and be kind to yourself. My thoughts for a wonderful and promising future will be with you.
Patti Carmalt-Vener has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park.
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