Pain killers

Dear Patti,

My husband and I have been Pasadena residents for the last six years. A few weeks ago we went to the Colorado Street Bridge celebration and had a lovely time watching people laughing, talking and enjoying themselves.

After walking about halfway across the bridge, however, I remembered that people have committed suicide by jumping off this very bridge. When I was 2, my father committed suicide, and while I have no memory of him, I often wonder what my life would have been like if he had lived. When I saw such a picturesque sight — the bridge, the people, and the beautiful night — I just couldn’t understand why someone would want to commit suicide and kill the magnificent miracle of life.

 Please, if you can, shed some light on the subject for me and maybe I can better understand what motivates such actions and finally put this subject to rest.
—Mary 

Even though it was a long time ago, I’m very sorry about your loss and that you never got the chance to know your father. Unfortunately, many loved ones struggling to find solace share your frustration of seeking answers to unanswerable questions.

Each suicide or suicide attempt is complicated with individualized layers of issues.  While there is no way to make sense out of something that seems so senseless to you — and though you may never know what your father was experiencing — I don’t believe he wanted to leave you; he just didn’t know how to live with his emotional pain.

When I’m in my office and a patient sitting with me talks about suicidal feelings, it’s something I take very seriously. While I’m fully aware he could follow through with the self-destructive act of suicide or a suicide attempt, I don’t believe he actually wants to take his physical life away but, rather, wants to put an end to a life that doesn’t work.

Being pushed to a breaking point with unbearable dark emotions can make someone feel that suicide is the only way to stop the torment and agony. Sometimes there has to be a death for a rebirth to occur, but it doesn’t have to be a literal death.

It’s the job of the therapist and the patient to work together to find out what has to change so that new life can occur and thoughts of suicide can cease. I look at suicidal ideation (thoughts/fantasies about suicide) as a wake-up call for change.

If a patient describes a particularly violent means of committing suicide, it is termed “self-murder” and reflects that a homicidal rage has built up within, is repressed and becomes maladaptive against the self. It’s the task of therapy to help the patient experience this inner rage without becoming self-destructive.

No baby is born wanting to harm itself — this acting out comes from trauma and/or abuse. In other words, if someone fantasizes about shooting himself in the head, I can help him acknowledge who it is he really wants to shoot. I may have to worry about his grandmother or uncle, but I probably won’t have to worry about him killing himself.

Much remains to be learned on the science of suicide and the influences of such factors as social and moral forces, genetics, substance abuse, depression, schizophrenia and other personality disorders. The World Health Organization reports that an estimated 1 million people worldwide die from suicide each year; of these, only 10 percent are completely free of mental illness.

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Dr. Edwin Shneidman said, “I still believe it’s critical to look at personal stories, emotional circumstances, and private histories in the study of suicide, not just the biology and pharmacology of suicide and depression.” He further adds, “I believe that suffering is at the heart of every suicide. If I were to do it all over again, I would probably study love.” 

I urge anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255) or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Patti Carmalt-Vener has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at patticarmalt-vener.com or call 626) 584-8582.