Rising from the ashes
Ways to reclaim your life from the pain caused by splitting up
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 07/22/2010
Dear Patti,
Two weeks ago, my husband left me. I can’t believe it and am in complete shock. He says it has nothing to do with wanting to be with someone else but that he just loves the idea of experiencing his freedom and being alone for the first time in his life. How can I fight the fact that no matter how nice I become or how much I grow, it’s not going to make any difference to him? I feel jittery and upset that we won’t grow old together. When the world would get stressful, I always took comfort in the belief that we’d get through our problems together. My dad wants me to go see a psychotherapist. I guess I’m willing but, quite frankly, I don’t see the point because it won’t bring my husband back to me. — Dawna
Dear Dawna,
The last sentence of your letter is not an uncommon belief among patients who come to psychotherapy for the first time following an unexpected and devastating breakup. While no two circumstances are exactly alike, a common denominator is similar to what you’ve related that, in spite of being open to the idea of counseling, the individual will still leave the therapy session feeling as if nothing has been accomplished that will either alleviate the pain of betrayal or bring back the loved one who caused it. The surrealistic feeling that it’s all just part of a bad dream is exacerbated by repressing emotions of anger and sadness, turning the blame on oneself and engaging in self-punishing behaviors. There are many stories I could share with you about patients who initially believed no amount of counseling would address the feelings they were going through, and that it was a pointless exercise to even try. Once they realize, however, that they are in a nonjudgmental and nurturing environment that encourages them to express, examine and release their pent-up emotions, they are able to start building a new foundation for moving forward instead of constantly replaying past events that cannot be undone.
I am truly sympathetic to your heartbreak and terrible loss, Dawna, and am aware of the intense pain you’re feeling since your husband changed his mind about the long-term togetherness you envisioned when your married life began. You’re not alone in thinking that since the incident can’t be erased there doesn’t appear to be any help possible.
Although the external facts can’t be changed and your relationship might truly be over, the same can’t be said of the internal experiences you have in response. The shock you’re feeling is a defense against all your strong feelings. An unconscious part of you doesn’t want your surroundings to be real because you know that to accept that they are would hurt unbearably.
I encourage you to go to therapy. By allowing yourself to feel the pain, grief and possible rage, your symptoms of jitteriness, shock and compulsive thinking and lamenting will have a better chance of going away. Facing your feelings as completely as you can will also help protect you against the possibility of situational depression. A supportive group therapy may be beneficial as well. While the idea of starting over may appear to be impossible right now, the best way to accomplish such a task is to not turn your back on yourself and ignore your current emotional state. Embrace whatever it is you’re feeling instead of trying to suppress it. It takes time for the rebirth of a new life. Even if it turns out that you may never have your husband again, you’ll begin to have yourself.
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term Psychotherapy, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at
(626) 584-8582 or email pcarmalt@aol.com.
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