Secret sharer

Dear Patti,

My name is Olivia and I’m starting ninth grade. I have three girlfriends who are very popular with boys. I’m not. All three are pretty, funny and confident. Seth’s a year older, a great person and is attracted to my friend Emma. He’s been calling me to talk about Emma and see if he has a chance with her but she’s not interested.

It’s been hard because my parents smile and make comments about my “suitor” and I’m ashamed to tell them the truth. Seth isn’t interested in me at all. No one is.

I did a stupid thing. When I realized Seth wasn’t going to call me anymore, I told him about a cute girl that attends my church and goes to another school.

There isn’t another girl. I made her up. I email him from an unknown email address and pretend I’m her. She (me) tells him she can’t talk on the phone because she’s on restriction. I can’t keep doing this. My parents would be very disappointed if they knew and my friends would make fun of me. Please give me advice but don’t ask me to tell anyone, I won’t. I’m emailing you because I’m sure Seth and my parents won’t see it.  We don’t live in Pasadena.
— Olivia

I’m so glad you reached out to me (no matter where you live). Situations like this are hard when you think you have to keep your feelings and secrets to yourself. I agree you made a bad decision, but it came from a part of you that’s tired of being overlooked and that part of you is good. I’m glad you realize that misleading Seth was wrong. I’m proud of you for wanting to change that and to gracefully get out of this deceptive situation as soon as possible and without any more humiliation.

There are going to be more times in your life when you make dumb choices but it’s important not to beat yourself up over them. Just try to correct these mistakes and move on.

I understand if you feel you can’t talk to your parents about this, but the harsh criticism may be coming from you, not them. If I had a daughter who felt so ignored, I’d feel compassion, not disappointment, and I’d want to support — not disgrace — her. It’s appropriate to feel guilt if your behaviors are immoral or unethical but be cautious against overreacting with shame. Shame can paralyze you and damage your self-esteem.

Instead of focusing on your mistaken action, I’d like to focus on the problem. You say you feel invisible and unpopular with boys and that your girlfriends are pretty, funny and confident. Let’s look at these traits individually.

•    Pretty: Stand in front of a mirror and study yourself with kindness and a positive attitude.  Give yourself five compliments and five baby-step solutions to correct what you don’t like. If you see something you don’t like and can’t change, don’t dwell on it. Inspire yourself to change what you can and be encouraging and loving, the way a sister or really nice best friend would. Stop comparing yourself to other girls and always coming out second-best.

•    Funny: No one can feel humorous when they feel unsafe. Start putting yourself in safer social situations where you can shine. In smaller groups and with less intimidating people, you can practice being expressive, responsive to others and funny. 

•    Confident: The more positive feedback you get from others, the more confident you’ll become. If you’re unsure about what to say, shift the focus to others by giving them your attention and asking questions. By expressing interest in their lives and opinions, you’ll become interesting yourself.

You need to remember, Olivia, that you’re young and — like an unpainted canvas — just beginning to discover the potential for unique beauty and talents you can bring to the world.

Confidence is about developing a healthy, supportive inner voice instead of a harsh, critical one that tries to label you plain and unpopular. Please consider professional counseling where you can freely talk about your feelings concerning your social life and your self-image.

Lastly, it took spunk and courage for you to email me about something you feel so vulnerable and ashamed of.  Never, ever lose your spirit.

Patti Carmalt-Vener is a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term Psychotherapy. Contact her at patticarmalt-vener.com or call (626) 584-8582.