Swinging back into life
Single parents who are dating again need to pay attention to potential red flags
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 10/28/2009
Dear Patti,
I’ve been a single mom for six years and have devoted all my time and energy toward raising my daughter, Lindsey. She’s 17 and — depending on where she goes to college — will either leave home next year or continue living with me. We have a close relationship and I’m proud she’s so well adjusted and happy.
I’ve dated very little since my divorce, but seven months ago I started dating a wonderful doctor I sometimes work with. He’s been respectful of the need to take things slow and keep our relationship private because of the impact it could have on my job. He’s bright, articulate and exciting. It feels like a dream come true except for one thing. He has only met Lindsey four times, but whenever I bring up her name he remarks that she’s spoiled, hangs with the wrong kids, wears inappropriately short skirts and shouldn’t stay at home for college. I don’t understand why he’s so negative toward her, especially since she’s always pleasant and polite to him.
While I realize he shouldn’t have so much input about my relationship with her, I also feel I deserve my own life after all this time. To that end, I’ve actually been thinking about influencing her to go away to school. My mother is confused and says that doesn’t sound like me. I love Lindsey more than anything in the world, but I haven’t had these romantic feelings in years. A man like Mark doesn’t come along often and I just don’t want to lose this chance for a new life. My sister says I’m being selfish. Do I seem that way to you?
— Sherry
Dear Sherry,
I’m pleased you’re opening up the sexual, intellectually stimulated part of you that’s been dormant during the consuming — but extremely rewarding — role of being a single parent. It’s an exciting new aspect of your life and it’s wonderful.
The emotional confusion you’re currently wrestling with is sometimes referred to as a “psychological pendulum swing.” This occurs when someone is living out an aspect of his or her nature at the exclusion of other aspects and then makes an extreme shift in the other direction. A successful CEO, for instance, may have trouble appreciating her status because what she really wants is to be married with children. Conversely, a family man might be frustrated and obsessed with what he thinks is a lost opportunity of pursuing his passion for art or music. A child who suppresses his aggression and shuts down when he gets bullied might turn and become a bully himself before he swings back to somewhere in the middle.
What I’m wondering is whether your focus on motherhood caused you to disregard other aspects of yourself that are now forcefully emerging. As you try to integrate these changes with your whole self, be cautious not to swing so far over that you subsequently ignore that which you’ve so lovingly and carefully cultivated — the role of Lindsey’s mom.
As for the gentleman you’re dating, since you don’t want to end it because you’ll always regret not giving it a chance, please proceed slowly. If he’s already making demands and showing jealousy or resentment after only seven months, it could be a red flag. Establish boundaries immediately when he acts like a rival sibling. Express to him in no uncertain terms that your relationship won’t work unless he learns to have a more open heart regarding Lindsey.
Unfortunately, his problem may be bigger than just your daughter. Even if she leaves for college, he may become jealous of your mother, sister or friends.
I know he seems special — and may well be. But you also haven’t dated for a while. There could be more than one exciting man out there who will love both of you instead of trying to come between.
Patti Carmalt-Vener has been a psychotherapist in private practice for
23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at (626) 584-8582 or visit patticarmalt-vener.com.
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