Thanks for sharing
Get kids into the holiday spirit by establishing gratitude as a family priority
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 11/25/2009
Dear Patti,
I’m mad at my teenagers! Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time of thankfulness, but my son and daughter certainly aren’t acting grateful about much of anything. Instead of getting to enjoy my preparations for the holiday, I’ve been arguing with them for the last two days.
My 81-year-old mother-in-law recently underwent hip surgery but is flying out from Florida with her housekeeper just so she can spend Thanksgiving with us and be with her grandchildren. Rather than being happy and proud of their grandmother, they’re both grumbling and are resentful they have to stay around the house during her visit. My daughter wants to go on a weekend ski trip with friends and my son wants to skip Thanksgiving dinner and work at our friend’s restaurant. I’m insisting they stay home for dinner together and at least part of the weekend whether they like it or not.
My husband isn’t commenting too much but I know he’s protective of his mother and is worried about how disappointed she’ll be if the kids aren’t here. For her, that’s the whole point of the trip.
Where did we go wrong? We try to give them everything they could possibly need and they’re still ungrateful.
— Jane
Dear Jane,
You and your husband haven’t failed in parenting; your offspring are just being teenagers. What’s important for you is to decide what the boundaries are that you want to enforce and stick to it. Stay firm, don’t give in unless it feels right, but don’t argue. There’s an old saying amongst family counselors that for every 10 minutes you argue with a teenager, you regress 10 years. Therefore, if you argue with a teen for a half hour, you end up acting their age and accomplish very little.
To get yourself through this stressful holiday juncture, find a favorite place in your home that gives you comfort — a cozy bed, a sofa by the fireplace, a window overlooking the garden. Indulge yourself in a relaxing cup of tea or coffee, take a deep breath and reflect on the blessings in your life that you’re thankful for — the beauty of nature, the love of family and friends, the gift of life so apparent in each of your children, the resolve of your dear mother-in-law to make a long journey, no matter how difficult it might be.
Being grateful — giving thanks — promotes happiness and improves your emotional health. Think about the aromas and flavors of Thanksgiving and keep focused on continuing favorite holiday traditions.
Let your children know what they mean to you and how grateful you are for them. Get them into the Thanksgiving spirit by establishing gratitude as a family priority. Find the spiritual, uplifting place in your heart and model it for your kids, rather than demanding cooperation. In the words of John F. Kennedy, “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
Rather than telling them they should be grateful for having their grandmother close by, share with them how thankful you are that she’s alive, healthy and able to celebrate with all of you.
While teenagers sometimes exhibit characteristics of a borderline personality disorder — chaotic interpersonal relationships, self-centeredness, impulsiveness and mood swings — these are often intermingled with loving, endearing and brilliant traits as well. For the most part, they outgrow these dark and emotionally unstable behaviors. The key is not to give up yet; the story of what kind of adults they’ll turn into is still a work in progress. Someday in the near future they’ll look back with fond memories and thankfulness on this holiday spent with their family, especially their grandmother.
It sounds like all of you have much to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!
Contact Patti Carmalt-Vener at (626) 584-8582.
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