The deepest pain
Just being there is sometimes enough to console grieving parents
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 07/10/2008
Dear Patti,
I have been doing volunteer work in Pasadena for over 10 years. There is a group of wonderful men and women, mostly women, with whom I have become very close. Vicki, a divorced single mom, has been a great contributor to our city. She has helped out at the hospital and various cultural art institutions, as well as a local foster home. Two weeks ago her only daughter, a teenager, was killed in a car accident. None of us have seen our friend since. When anyone has called her on the phone she refuses to talk. Her sister says that Vicki hasn’t left her house and that she cries all night, every night. Her family takes turns staying with her, so we all know that she is not alone. Besides calling and sending flowers, is there anything we can do?
—Nicky
Dear Nicky,
The death of a child is an impossible grief, the ultimate tragedy. Countless studies show that losing a child is by far the most significant loss one can ever experience. When a child dies suddenly, it’s impossible to comprehend that the son or daughter who was alive only a moment ago could now suddenly be gone forever, plunging those who loved them into an intense state of shock and disbelief. After the phase of shock comes a deep awareness of loss. Unfortunately, it’s normal for your friend, this mother, to cry for a very long time to come. I’m glad she is surrounded with family during this period of sorrow, but there is no escaping the horrifying, gut-wrenching pain that comes from this kind of heartbreak.
It’s not surprising that friends are at a loss as to how to respond. It will be a great source of comfort to her, however, just to know that she is in your thoughts. Send a sympathy letter letting her know that all of you are available if she needs anything and then wait a week or two. Vicki needs time. Ask those who are closest to her if there is any way you can be of assistance by calling or writing out-of-town family and friends, doing housekeeping chores, bringing meals or driving family members to the airport.
When you first see her, it isn’t necessary to say a great deal. A warm embrace will convey much more. Let her take the lead in the conversation. If she doesn’t want to talk about her daughter, respect her decision. If she does talk about what happened, give her your full attention. A grieving parent will be thinking only about her child, so trying to distract her from her bereavement will seem to be minimizing her loss. If Vicki cries in your presence, don’t change the subject. Let her cry. Tears are healing.
I also recommend you contact the local chapter of Compassionate Friends. This is a wonderful organization comprised of parents who have lost their children. Pick up one of their brochures and give it to Vicki’s sister. Compassionate Friends will have someone visit if asked to do so by the family.
Finally, if the grief continues longer than you expect — months or even years — it’s important that you never withdraw your support. While nothing can replace the daughter she lost, Vicki’s need to honor her memory can be fulfilled with the quiet knowledge that caring friends like you are there for the long term and not just at the beginning. To quote Emily Dickinson, “Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell.” I am so very sorry for this mother’s loss.
Patti Carmalt-Vener has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at patticarmalt-vener.com or call (626) 584 8582.
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I lost my daughter in a plane crash 2 years ago, she was my very best friend in the entire world. My life has fallen apart since she left. She lived with me while she attended fight school and once she graduated and got a job as a flight instructor, she bought a condo and I bought one right next to her. I do not know how to live my life with out her.