The Love Lab

I think my husband and I are somewhat similar. He’s sure we’re very different. We actually argued about this once ... so I guess that makes him right. We’re both incredibly stubborn. It’s just that he’s unyielding in a passive, procrastinating way, whereas I sport pig-headedness in a Type A, in-your-face manner.
 
Are we beating the odds or are we doomed to failure? Hoping to find the answer, I’m waiting in eHarmony’s softly lit lobby. I’m here because I was intrigued by a study I found online that was conducted by eHarmony Labs, the research arm of the Pasadena-based dating website that claims to match couples using “scientifically based predictors of long-term relationship success.” The study, published in the July 2008 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, had concluded that the more similar partners were in their personality and the ways they responded to emotional situations, the more satisfied they were in their relationships.

I’m a relentless self- and spouse-improver, so I’ve come to speak to one of the study’s authors. Nearby are four windowless rooms outfitted with video cameras, couches and comfy chairs. An adjacent room houses computers, large monitors and recording equipment. When eHarmony installed the set-up a year ago, the company was about to zoom in for a closer look at couples’ interaction. It hired five research scientists with Ph.D.’s in psychology from various California universities and asked them to advance the scientific understanding of what makes relationships succeed or fail. It was the beginning of eHarmony Labs.

As I wait to be called, I look around the waiting room. On a nearby flat screen, attractive couples talk about how eHarmony’s patented matching system helped them find the loves of their lives. They had filled out the company’s extensive survey about their personalities and predilections, rating themselves on everything from physical appearance to how easily they get upset.

Interesting. I met my husband when computers were barely networking among themselves, let alone helping others. There was nothing rational about the selection process. I caught his eye when I ripped off some of my clothing in a performance of “The Crucible” in downtown Los Angeles.

I’m contemplating the silver lettering on the lobby wall — “dreamintellectenergymotionchemistryromance” — when an eHarmony publicist breezes in and introduces me to the company’s senior research scientist, Gian Gonzaga, who holds a doctorate in personality /social psychology from UC Berkeley. We duck into one of the lab’s observation rooms. As we settle into red armchairs, I blurt out, “Why is being similar better?”

“When someone else is like you and has the same attitudes,” Gonzaga explains, “that validates the attitudes that you have …They’re making you feel better about yourself. The second reason — I think this is the most powerful thing for long-term relationships — is that people get each other. If we are the same kind of person and we see the world in the same ways, we can actually coordinate our behavior to deal with things because we can anticipate and understand what the other person is going through.” And you can’t say Gonzaga doesn’t walk the walk: Last June, he married fellow researcher Heather Setrakian.

eHarmony’s research, backed up by several academic studies, indicates that it’s important for couples to share personality traits and values. The company also matches couples based on attitudes and interests. The lab’s research is designed to improve its matching service, inform its advice websites and spur the development of new products and services. One of the main ways it gathers information is by observing how people behave when they’re together. “If you want to understand couples,” Gonzaga says, “you have to see them interact with each other — how they resolve conflict, comfort each other during hard times, celebrate during good times — to understand what makes the relationship work.”

Gonzaga, 38, has the ebullience of someone getting paid to do cool stuff, like eavesdrop on people. He ushers me down a hall into the control room and clicks on a video file stored on a computer. On the screen, a researcher asks a slim, young man we’ll call “Steve” to tell his fiancé about something good that happened to him recently. It’s an interaction scientists call “capitalization” — sharing and validating good news — and new research has shown it to be an important predictor of relationship success. The researcher leaves the room, and Steve, a warehouse worker, tells “Maria” about being complimented at work.

STEVE: I did two pallets. I had to build it and wrap it. I brought it to him. He liked the way I stacked it. He’s like, “These are almost perfect.”
MARIA: You always do a good job at everything. That’s why I think you can do greater things with your abilities.

Gonzaga pauses the video and comments on it: “The great thing she does in this interaction is she doesn’t just compliment, she draws the line from what he did and links it to the fact that he has a good ability. That’s a powerful example.”

This pair is part of a large — and expensive, although the company declines to disclose the cost — five-year study of marriage. A year ago, Steve and Maria were among some 400 engaged couples who filled out extensive questionnaires.

eHarmony researchers hope to correlate survey answers with interactions later observed in the lab. “Can we predict if they’re going to provide each other really good social support?” Gonzaga says. “Can we predict when they’re going to solve conflict better? If we can do that, we can offer a better product to people.”

This is fascinating and significant research, but I’m still hung up on the importance of similar personalities. Could I tolerate another me in the house? Two of us pacing the hallway at 3 a.m.? What if my husband were married to someone as absent-minded as he is? Would he have a career? Any undecayed teeth? More to the point, I wonder if it’s a good idea genetically. I pity the kid with two depressed parents or more than one Type A parent. And I worry about a world where different people are discouraged from commingling. My husband is the son of migrant farm workers; I’m the offspring of two people with graduate degrees. I like to think it will give my son a richer understanding of the world.

Am I out of touch? Deluded? Maybe I should see a shrink … or at least meet one for coffee. I catch up with psychiatrist Timothy J. Pylko at Peet’s on Lake in Pasadena. He confesses he’s also a bit surprised by some of the research. “I can only talk anecdotally,” he said, “but I see complementary personalities” working well. He means complementary, but different; “Oftentimes, someone who is very gregarious and outgoing is balanced by someone who is a little bit more introverted.”

Pylko counsels individuals and couples at San Marino Psychiatric Associates and is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA and USC medical schools. He says he’s impressed with the research team at eHarmony Labs but adds: “There’s a certain complexity and magic that happens in relationships that are very hard to limit to a psychological test. I don’t know that you could truly measure what makes a relationship work. I think what makes relationships interesting are the differences, in complementary ways.” Pylko does, however, believe that similar values and intellectual abilities — and my husband and I are alike in those respects — are helpful.

According to eHarmony, similar people are more likely to get together in the first place because their attraction is stronger. In another study, eHarmony scientists brought together strangers for quick chats, similar to a “speed dating” arrangement. They evaluated what made couples want to meet again and tried to project whom someone would click with. “It isn’t a perfect prediction,” Gonzaga says, “but that sort of clicking at the beginning — which we think is a lot about people understanding each other really quickly — that does seem to predict that, if a relationship occurs, it seems to make [it] strong.”

“I just don’t believe it,” says Walter E. Brackelmanns, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA. He says he has reviewed several of the studies, but “my experience — in 25 years as a couples expert — says similarity is not what attracts people.” Brackelmanns recommends dating services, but he says they don’t match so much as rule out certain choices. “And they’re not as accurate as one would like to believe,” he adds. He sees similar political and religious views as helpful, although not necessary. “What’s most significant is an X factor that no one has been able to put their finger on. It’s outside of awareness.”
Therapy patients, of course, don’t typify a cross-section of the population. These couples are having trouble — and are willing to get help. Still, I’m not convinced researchers have come up with an algorithm for love. And I’m wondering about an eHarmony ad in which an off-screen voice intones: “With our in-depth questionnaire, we get to know the real you.”

Pasadena psychologist Barbara Janetske says she has studied the methodology behind psychological surveys. Perusing the eHarmony matching questionnaire, she says, “A survey of oneself is just that — an estimate of how individuals view themselves.” She says that a true scientific evaluation of personality would include methods for checking accuracy, something too invasive for a dating service.

Gonzaga says eHarmony instructs people to be honest at the beginning of its survey. He thinks most people are fairly self-aware and generally honest but adds “that’s part of why we want to bring people into the laboratory. Science can really help us understand something as ephemeral as love, something as ephemeral as what makes a relationship good. And you can actually use science in a way that helps make relationships better.”

He shows me a video of two researchers role-playing the capitalization interaction. It’s part of a study in which eHarmony scientists tried to teach people skills that make a relationship work.

SHE: I called up TIVO today and convinced them to drop off our TIVO box a whole week early.
HE: That’s great!
SHE: I was able to figure out how to get all of our shows.
HE: No way!
SHE: I figured out how to download the new pilots.
HE: I can’t believe you figured that out. I’m so proud of you!

I laugh. It’s so over the top. Still, I’m thinking, Hey, I could do a better job of capitalizing. It’s a way to demonstrate respect. Research — undisputed, in this case — has shown respect to be a key ingredient in successful relationships. It has certainly helped this person who’s sure she’s right live with another who often knows she’s wrong.