The parenting grandparent

Dear Patti,

I am a 66-year-old retired widower. Nine years ago I lost my wife to cancer. One month ago our only daughter Katy and her husband, who were living in Texas, were killed in a car accident. My 11-month-old grandson, Liam, is now an orphan.

I saw him for the very first time after my daughter’s funeral. It was tough. My son-in-law didn’t have much family to speak of, and when I was in Texas I met this couple, close friends of Katy and Daniel, who wanted to take the baby and raise him with their three children. It was the hardest thing I ever did to leave the baby behind, but I decided it was best for Liam to be raised in a family with a mother and father. I started sending them money immediately.

Yesterday the couple notified me it was too much of a hardship for them to keep Liam. If I don’t go and claim the little guy, he will be put in a foster home. My friends believe it will be too difficult for me, but I don’t care what anybody says — I’m going to go get him right away. Katy and her mother would never forgive me if I turned my back on my only grandchild. I’m only sorry I didn’t take him with me immediately.

Friends are right about one thing though, I don’t have a clue on how to raise this little baby. I have a housekeeper who is going to help me find a live-in nanny. I may get sick and old before he is grown, but I don’t think I could ever leave him again. Do you think I am making the right decision by sticking him with his old grandpa?
—Robert 

Taking a baby into your life is a huge responsibility at any age, and I believe your friends should view you — as I do — with very high regard. Your grandson needs you now more than ever. The loss of both his parents, followed by the abandonment of the family that took him into their home, is something that Liam is too young to understand.

Regardless of the fact that he can’t talk about it, separation anxiety and grief following serious loss are normal and natural responses in an infant. In order to grow up feeling secure, a baby’s deep attachment to parental figures creates a permanent relationship he can count on for support when feeling frightened or threatened. At less than a year old, Liam desperately needs your love, affection and a permanent, dependable base from which he can now grow.

This little baby couldn’t care less if you’re clumsy at changing his diaper or sing his lullabies off-key. He just needs you to be responsive, sensitive and a loving caregiver who won’t leave him. It’s also important that when you start interviewing nannies you find someone who’s not only committed to creating a close bond that makes Liam feel loved and special, but who also plans to stay in the job for as long as possible.

I know you feel uncertain about the task ahead but you’re not alone. According to Child Care Resource & Referral Network, four million children live in households headed by grandparents, and 10 percent of all grandparents are raising grandchildren. Many of them find the support they need by networking with others in the same situation through groups such as Grandparents As Parents (GAP). This is a free support organization that provides programs and services that meet the urgent and ongoing needs of older relatives raising at-risk children I would encourage you to join.

In addition, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) maintains databases of regional support groups for custodial grandparents that can assist you. While they’re not a replacement for professional counseling, these groups are wonderful for sharing wisdom, friendship and community.
Your concerns about being in your grandson’s life for as long as your health allows it are valid. Once you and Liam have settled into your new life together, you may want to create a nurturing relationship with a young family in case something happens. You are lucky to have one another during this stressful — but promising — time.

Patti Carmalt-Vener has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at patticarmalt-vener.com or call (626) 584-8582.