The perfect hostess
Be sure your holiday feast doesn’t feature too many cooks in the kitchen
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 12/10/2009
Dear Patti,
Christmas is my favorite holiday. At least it was until I got married and have had to put up with holiday dinners with my husband’s family. My mother-in-law and I rotate the family dinner every year. I don’t mind going to her house except that all she talks about is how much work she had to do and how no one ever helped her (even though we always do). On the years when it’s my turn to host the dinner, she always shows up with extra food and complains behind my back that she does this because “Karen just doesn’t know how to cook the right way.” I’m an excellent cook, Patti, but I think the problem is that my mother-in-law is a control freak. I don’t want to cause problems, but I’m dreading this Christmas at our house because she always acts out. Help!
—Karen
Dear Karen,
There’s a good chance some of your mother-in-law’s negative personality traits evolved early in childhood as a way for her to cope with unacceptable feelings such as anger and helplessness. Accordingly, these habitual coping mechanisms are automatically triggered whenever she’s under stress and/or angry. You’ve probably noticed these behaviors throughout the year, but they often escalate during emotional or stressful times like family holidays. Unfortunately, such problems are difficult to alter, even if the individuals are aware of their negative traits and are highly motivated to change. Although the possibility exists that these off-putting actions of hers might never go away, there are ways to practice damage control during your annual get-togethers.
The first is to establish firm boundaries. Give your mother-in-law a completed menu and tell her exactly what you’d like her to bring. Make it very clear that any other food brought won’t be served because it will conflict with the holiday ambience you’re creating. She may initially resist with acting-out behavior, but if you remain firm it will get easier each year until a new precedent is set. Remind her that she can have Christmas dinner any way she wants when it’s her turn, but that you’re the hostess in control this year.
Have her make a detailed list next year of the exact duties she wants help with from you and other family members. Don’t let her avoid giving clear communication about the assistance she needs or she’ll keep playing the role of the put-upon martyr.
Non-verbal communication makes a big difference in getting desired results. Make sure that while your boundaries on acceptable behaviors are firm and unyielding, they’re still delivered with warmth and kindness. Let her know that you want your dinner a certain way because it would make you happy, not because you want to punish her. If she’s been allowed to engage in destructive behavior in the past, it’s going to be hard for her to accept the changes you’re imposing. So it’s important to encourage and reward her with positive responses and compliments when she does alter her behavior for the better. If she becomes aware that working companionably with you affords her a special closeness between the two of you, it may very well be all she needs to change
Get support from family members who are closest to you and whom you trust, like your husband. Explain what you’re trying to do so they also can be clear on the rules and positively reward your mother-in-law when appropriate.
Be good to yourself and focus on the aspects of your Christmas gathering that make you happy. Which of your favorite family members or guests are coming? Make sure to spend quality time with them without getting too wrapped up in the tension and pressure between you and your mother-in-law.
While you should be respectful and have empathy for her emotional struggles, don’t give her issues precedence over your joyfulness at Christmastime.
Patti Carmalt-Vener has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at (626) 584-8582.
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