Tough choices
Try some hard truth when being scared just isn’t enough
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 07/03/2008
Dear Patti,
My husband and I have a 25-year-old son, Adam, who has been in a little trouble before but not too bad. Now he has a good job, a wife and a 6-month-old baby that is the joy of all our lives. He has really tried to straighten himself out and is a terrific father and husband.
Patti, two nights ago we got a call in the middle of the night telling us that our son had been out with his old crowd and a huge fight in a bar occurred. Adam was arrested on three charges including battery and inciting a riot. His bail was $200,000, so in order to get him out of jail, we paid 10 percent, a $20,000 payment, to the bail bondsman that we will not get back, and this is not even counting attorney’s fees.
Both my husband and I did not want our son in jail and also felt he should be at home, working and taking care of his family. We had the money, but we were saving it for our grandbaby’s education. Adam is ashamed and remorseful and it seems like he has learned a lesson. However, both my husband and I are depressed. I am not sure why as Adam is OK for now. What can we do with this boy?
—Nicky
Dear Nicky,
Adam is a very lucky young man to have such caring parents. At some point, however, you and your husband must muster all your strength, sit your son down, calmly look him in the eye and tell him that what he’s doing is wrong. He may feel very badly about everything that has happened and the heartache he has caused, but the fact is that he had a choice — something which the people who loved him did not have. Ask him why, at some critical point, he didn’t see his child’s face in his mind’s eye and say to himself, “I want to stay in this bar and fight but I can’t because I have a baby at home who depends on me.” It concerns me, Nicky, that your last sentence is questioning what you should do with “this boy.”
First of all, I would never advocate turning your back on your son. Secondly, he is no longer a boy; he’s a grown man who is scared right now and his welfare must come first. It sounds like he’s changing and maturing and you need to do your best to support that growth by insisting he go into counseling. I would recommend family counseling as well to assist in the healing and rebuilding process. Perhaps you can also work out a plan whereby he can slowly pay back the money for the baby’s college fund.
In the meantime, the reason you and your husband are depressed is because your emotions are locked up inside of you. That is what depression is, feelings that are “depressed in.” The two of you are suffering from situational depression, a common response to serious crises. This means that your moods are directly related to the current circumstances and have caused you to operate in “emergency mode,” shutting down your own feelings as you try to attend to the needs of your son and his family. After Adam has been taken care of, you and your husband need to face your emotions to the best of your ability. Feelings of fear, anger and sadness will emerge; allow them to come forth. By experiencing these feelings and allowing yourself to cry and feel angry, you’ll be able to dissipate your depression and start feeling well enough to make the right decisions.
Patti Carmalt-Vener has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at patticarmalt-vener.com or call (626) 584 8582.
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