What about me?
Divorced dads must do what it takes to ensure their kids know they are top priorities
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 07/15/2010
Dear Patti,
After 13 years of marriage, I’m in the middle of a divorce initiated by my wife. Our 11-year-old son, Simon, refuses to see or talk to me. While I have little affection left for my soon-to-be ex, I don’t think she’s influencing this behavior. He says it’s because of two incidents that upset him after I’d already left.
The first was when I called him from a business trip. He recalls trying to get me to listen as he played the horn for me. The connection was bad, but he kept playing despite my yelling at him to stop because I couldn’t hear him. According to his mom, he looked embarrassed, dropped the phone and horn and ran out. I didn’t mean to hurt him; I just wanted to get his attention.
The second situation happened a month ago. I’ve been dating someone new who I’m falling in love with. She was at my house one night when my ex called very late and asked if Simon could come over because he missed me. I tried to discourage this, because he and my girlfriend hadn’t met yet. Simon came over anyway but refused to join us on the couch to watch a movie.
When he asked me if I’d sit with him on the loveseat — which I did — my girlfriend immediately left the room. I followed her and we argued for 40 minutes. She thought Simon was trying to get between us. I disagreed. When I returned, Simon had already called his mom and left. I haven’t seen him since. I miss and love him but don’t know what to do. — Sam
Dear Sam,
It’s hard to be a parent and always take care of someone more helpless than you, but it’s even harder when you feel lost and alone yourself. It’s clear you love Simon and don’t want to lose him or let him down. From what you’ve described, he was desperately trying to connect with you and make music for you no matter how far away you were. Likewise, it didn’t matter to him how late it was when he wanted to come and see you. It isn’t that he doesn’t miss you or want to see you; it’s that he doesn’t want to be hurt by you anymore.
I recommend you have a good cry and — in whatever way works for you — experience and release the frustrations building up inside. Then go see him. Tell him you understand he didn’t want the divorce, that none of it is his fault and that you’ll try your best to be there whenever you can. Explain you were just tired, scared and sad yourself when you interrupted his horn playing and that next time you’ll listen all night if he wants you to.
While it’s not smart to submit to selfish demands or guilt-inducing tantrums, it’s critical during this first year to put your own needs aside and reassure him you’re only severing ties with his mother, not him.
Despite a strong need to rebuild your life, you might want to slow down the accompanying desire to find a partner to rebuild it with. Gently but firmly explain to your girlfriend that you want to give the relationship a chance but that Simon’s needs take precedence during this adjustment period. If six months from now he still shrinks away when the three of you are together, you can address it and establish appropriate boundaries for him to respect. I realize you may be afraid you’ll lose this relationship but, if it’s going to work, she has to be sensitive to Simon’s need for his dad. If she can’t find it in her heart to love and understand how he feels, you’ll need to let her go. If necessary, you can find another relationship, but you can’t replace your child.
I recommend individual counseling for emotional support and parental guidance and, if necessary, counseling for you and your son. Take care of yourself and take care of Simon.
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term Psychotherapy, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at
(626) 584-8582 or email pcarmalt@aol.com.
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