When love isn't equal
Teaching self-compassion is one way to help kids overcome rejection
By Patti Carmalt-Vener 07/02/2009
Dear Patti,
My husband and I have three little girls who are very sweet, kind and are the joys of my life. My mother-in-law, however, will have nothing to do with them. When the first was born, she was disappointed that I didn’t have a son and told me I should “try harder” next time. In our culture (Vietnam), boys are prized more than girls. After our second daughter was born, she made excuses for a year why she couldn’t come to see her, even though she lives only 20 miles away. When I became pregnant with Lily, I had an ultrasound and our two daughters were excited they’d be getting a baby sister. My mother-in-law was mad and thought I should have an abortion. She has told my husband he should find a new wife who isn’t flawed and will give her grandsons. My husband loves us very much and is angry with her but she is his only parent and is in bad health. She never buys our daughters presents and, instead, gives all her attention to their boy cousin who is rude and breaks things. They are confused about why she is always so cold and pushes them away. Please help me.
—Mai
Dear Mai,
I understand how painful this must be for you and your husband. Whether it’s gender, race or any other prejudice, your question is one all parents must ask themselves: how do we protect our children when they’re being discriminated against? It’s especially difficult when such hurtful treatment comes from a grandparent, the one person in a harsh world who parents hope will always cherish, accept and unconditionally love their children.
As soon as your daughters start to recognize this problem is causing them pain, it’s important you and your husband listen, comfort, support and encourage them to not internalize these feelings. By both of you addressing the issue and not ignoring their emotions, you’re communicating they’re of utmost value and that neither their grandmother nor anyone else is given a pass when it comes to hurting them. Depending on their ages, I’d tell them pretty much what you told me and discuss their grandmother’s behavior in a developmentally appropriate manner. Example: “Because your grandmother is sick, elderly, and the only mother Daddy has, we love and care for her. We also know she’s broken inside and doesn’t know how to love little girls. This is her problem, not yours. As a child, she may not have been cherished the way we cherish you and that’s a terrible thing for her because it means she never learned to love herself. While we feel sad for her, we don’t want her around you too much because she isn’t nice to you and we don’t want anyone around that isn’t good to you.”
It’s critical you reiterate your disagreement with her beliefs and label her attitudes as false. Encourage the girls to observe the positive aspects of family through other relatives and Vietnamese friends that adore and respect females. As your daughters grow up, have ongoing discussions that not only examine their grandmother’s attitudes but also explore the strong influence that cultural beliefs have on society. Encourage them to question these beliefs and to think for themselves.
It’s also important that you teach them self-compassion, an important key to emotional well-being. Self-compassion encompasses self-esteem and self-interest. It’s essential they learn how to calm the self when stressed by others and to understand that self-attacks and expressions of self-dislike are unacceptable.
Contact Patti Carmalt-Vener at (626) 584-8582 or visit patticarmalt-vener.com.
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